Thursday, April 18, 2013

Friday, April 6, 2012

Learning as we go.

Over the last few years, it's definitely been a learning curve. Life doesn't come with a manual unfortunately, so I just have to wing it and hope for the best. I didn't realize how truly unhappy I have been. I don't know that one particular thing ever sparked it, but it's been a downhill slide since. My eyes have been opened. I can't promise there won't be bad days, but I can promise that it's all worth it. I still have my moments, (cough yesterday cough) but it's getting better.

I have extremely high expectations out of people. I'm guessing it's too extreme, because I am often let down. There's a quote I heard somewhere, something like "Just because people don't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have." I suppose that is true. Every person has their own definition of love. If you're lucky enough to find someone that understands yours, then it's all worth it in the end.

I've also heard "when people seem the most unlovable, that's when they need it the most." and that one definitely rings true in my life. I have made some mistakes, some I'm not too proud of. I can't take them back or change them, but I can change the future. There are days when I want to throw in the towel. Those have been more often than not, at the moment. I'm not giving up.

I'm starting a new job on Monday. I'm a little excited, but I am also pretty nervous. It's going to be totally outside of my comfort zone. It's a temporary contract job for about 3 months. It has the potential to go longer, but no guarantee. It works for me, because it gives me time to figure out what I'm gonna do while I get paid!

I have had several interviews with other sleep labs, but most have been out of the area. I had one this morning, that I am quite hopeful for. It went well, and I will be having a second interview the first of the week. I think a change of scenery, somewhere where I know very little, and can essentially start over, would be best for me.

I would like to have my partner by my side, but the fact is I don't know what will happen with all that. I'm not going to go into too much with that right now. That's another day. Today is a good day, and I'd like to keep it at that.

We have had such beautiful weather, even with it being a little more chilly, it is still nice out. No more rain, please! My yard is growing fast, and I really need to get that taken care of before it's a pain to even try to mow.

I'm working on self reliance.... it's getting difficult! But I can do this!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Sometimes life just slips away from us

I never thought I'd be one of those people. You know, the ones that are like zombies. The ones that refuse to really live life. I became that person. I became miserable. I didn't even really see it. I knew that I was unhappy with some things in my life but I never fully realized what I became. It's kind of disgusting, when you figure it out. Like you feel so bad about it, and try to rehash everything in your head and figure out where things went wrong. Reality hits you like a ton of bricks, and man does that suck.

The only thing you can do after a realization like that is make a decision about your life. Do you want to continue down the same road? Or do you want to change it? I choose to change it. I don't want to be that person, anymore. I used to find all the good things in life. I used to laugh and joke around. Have fun. Where did that all go?

Whatever the reasons, I can't continue down that road any longer.

My biggest problem right now is my weight. I gained a lot of weight. I know everyone says that, but seriously. I had lost a bunch right before I met my husband. Mainly, because I was always working. Picking up double shifts, picking up extra hours. I was always on the go. But, I also ate smaller portions and didn't eat out as much. That's the biggest kicker. Eating out. We do it all the time, it's not even a special treat. I've noticed lately that I've become bored with it, though... so it's not even like I really even enjoy it now. It just comes down to being lazy. I was working overnights, and just was so tired all the time. I eat crap. I feel like crap. Some coincidence, no?

I gained back everything I lost before and almost doubled it. It's scary. I don't have motivation. I don't have a zest for life, I lost all that.

Now, that I've been hit with that Ah ha moment, I can make it different.

I've been reading up on some things. Mostly, I might as well admit it. My marriage is in trouble. I became such a crabby person, so lazy, so unhappy. It wasn't his fault. He never said those things... but I was. I didn't realize it until it may be too late. I'm taking some time right now, and giving him some space to think things out in his head. I am too. I lost my job a couple weeks ago. Finding another job has been hard. Managing to stay afloat, but just barely. Only a matter of time before we really start to drown... slowly, I think I already was.

I found an app on my iphone. It's called c25k. I've heard a few other people talk about it. Mostly some of the girls from the message boards I frequent. People around me in person, are going for the p90x and zumba programs. I am sure they are all good. I gave c25k a chance tonight.

The last few days, there's a point in the afternoon (usually) where I just get this anxiety. Like, I can't sit still, I can't be near people... so I went to the bedroom and laid down. I tried to read a little, I tried playing a game on my phone... but I just couldn't shake the anxiety. Normally, I'd just try to take a nap. That's how I deal with everything - I sleep. I've been having difficulty sleeping at night and end up staying late (thanks shiftwork!) and then sleeping away the morning. I need to stop doing that, so I refused to do it today. I picked up my phone and clicked on the app. I didn't feel like going outside. I don't want to be made fun of. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to run into people I know, YET.

30 minutes. 20 minutes of actual work out activity with a pre warm up and a post cool down lasting 5 minutes each. I did the warm up, then you have to run for 1 minute/ 60 seconds. Okay, I can do this. Run for a minute, and then you have 1 1/2 min/90 seconds of walking. Okay, so not so bad. I haven't ran in a very long time, so it was more like a jiggle/jog. Also, add in doing this all in a small room with not much room. Okay, so I got that down... then it says run again. Okay.... about 15 sec into that I was ready to quit. I am tired. I don't want to do this. I pushed on. Alternating running and walking. I keep at it, but about 12-13 minutes in, I'm ready to give up. I just kept thinking to myself, it's not like you have anything else to do right now. Just do it, get it over with. So I kept on. 3 minutes later, I am right back to wanting to give up. I had to give myself a pep talk to finish it. Just get through it.

I completed it. It was hard. Doesn't seem like such a short amount of time would really be so much work. But it was. Especially for someone that doesn't wanna do any walking whatsoever. My hands were a little swollen afterwards, I noticed before when I took walks outside that they do that, but I thought it was allergies - being around nature, but this time I was inside. I will have to do some research on that one...

I hope I can continue to do it each day and follow the program. It's going to take some willpower. I hope I will get to the point where I won't feel like I need to confine myself to a room. That I can go outside and do it, and actually make distance. Not care if  I run into someone, maybe eventually find someone who wants to do it with me.

Today was hard. This week has been hard. The only way I can do this, to get past all this and become ME again, is to push through.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Being Thankful, and the holidays!

We have a lot to be thankful for in the Wickam household. Sometimes, it is hard to remember to be thankful for everything. We have been blessed with a great family that is there for us when we need them the most. We are blessed with great friends to share our time with. We are blessed to have a roof over our heads and great paying jobs.

Be happy with what you have right? We still long for a baby, a house of our own, and for life to be a little easier. Who doesn't have a wish list?

I always get a little anxiety around this time of year, because Thanksgiving holds a huge memory in my life. I'm not sure if I'd call it bad, but it's definitely not a great memory. Coming home for Thanksgiving to find my parent's home a little out of order. A moved coffee table, things on the floor, a pan on the stove with food in it... all just a little out of the ordinary. My parents were nowhere to be found. No calls, no answers on cell phones, called family members, no one knew... My dad had been taken to the emergency room for coughing up large amounts of blood, I think we had already been told he could possibly have cancer at this point, but to be honest - it's a blur. My dad was then taken to ICU in St. Joseph at Heartland Medical from Harrison County ER. Thanksgiving wasn't so awesome that year.

I suppose I also get a little anxiety about holidays, money, stress, family. It's all a part of it. We are starting to get our routine down, once children come into the picture that all may change. I don't even really care about the gifts anymore, although, I do enjoy seeing the little ones open up present. It's about spending time together and enjoying the holiday as a family. My side of the family has a hard time getting together for the holidays. My immediate family makes plans after January - because it's easier, closer to birthdays, and not rushed and stressful. We are able to take more time off work, cheaper flights or hotel deals, etc. We prefer it that way. I do miss the holiday traditions, though. We don't have those so much anymore. I suppose that's just something we have to learn to make ourselves or get over it.

One tradition I've made for myself, is Christmas/Holiday cards. I enjoy writing in them and sending them out. I love receiving them in my mailbox, too. I've done this ever since I've really been out living on my own (without a roommate) and make an even bigger deal out of it now that J.R. and I are together. We have done this every year we have been together. We try to include pictures, but I was kind of late with that this year, so I'm not sure if I'll have the pictures back in time. I hope anyway!

What are your family traditions over the years? Have they changed? Have you made new traditions for yourself and your immediate family?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I am filled with mixed emotions right now. Yesterday was a pretty rough day, and I'm not so sure the rest of this week will get better.

JR's Grandma Rose is in the hospital. She recently moved to a new retirement apartment in Lenexa. She has Alzheimer's and was declining rapidly. Her son, Danny shared a house with her. He had a series of strokes and was put in the hospital and a rehabilitation center (which conveniently is in the same retirement community as Grandma Rose). The family felt that moving her and Danny there would be best for her. Which is how we acquired the house. We were to move in and take care of it and are in the process of buying it. (We have a waiting period due to SSR and probate)

They recently found out a few weeks ago that she had skin cancer. It was several layers deep and would require surgery, but that was about all they could offer for it right now. She just retired and stopped working 3 years ago, She is 84 I believe. She had surgery Monday morning to remove the cancer. They got what they believe to be all of it, and gave her a stunning glowing report. Monday evening she had a stroke.

I don't really understand sometimes... why we have to go through the things we do just to live life. Why allow her cancer to be taken care of but yet suffer from a stroke?

She is very confused and disoriented at times, and doesn't understand why she is in the hospital. Lucidness at times lasted less than five minutes. She at one point last night, got very upset and was confused as to "why all these people were in her house and wishes everyone would leave her alone". It broke my heart to see her this way. Not to mention for my MIL who has to deal with it, and hear some of the awful things like how she doesn't love her and hates her and she is mean for doing this to her. I know it's because she is confused and isn't in her right mind, but I am sure it still hurts!

I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. I feel incredibly helpless, especially for JR - He isn't one to really share his emotions and feelings much, and I know he is struggling dealing with this too.

My friend Becky (a super sweet supportive girl I've met through the nest, and was my TTC buddy) and her husband Adam are struggling with a very important decision. Becky is 20 weeks pregnant, and they recently found out they were expecting a baby girl. They have named her Addison. They also recently found out that she has a heart problem. One that doesn't offer a very high quality of life. They have to make a decision to go through with the pregnancy which could mean years of painful surgeries, poor quality of life, and heartbreak. Or to terminate the pregnancy, and suffer heartbreak of losing a little girl that they have been waiting so patiently for.

To me, that is the worst kind of decision you'd ever have to make. I can't even imagine.

My friends Bill and Tera suffered infertility for years, and were finally blessed with a baby after 7 years of trying. We are awaiting the birth of little miss Ayla Rose as we speak!

There's just so much going on in our lives right now that definitely makes me question why things are the way they are. It's also allowed for JR and I to talk openly about different situations and how we feel about them. Which is kind of nice because it puts perspective on a lot.

JR and I came up with a plan. I have been contemplating Gastric Bypass surgery for multiple reasons. Part of which because I have tried and failed miserably at losing weight, and because we also suffer from infertility. Statistics show after a year (where its the healtiest) women with infertility were able to have a chance at conceiving a child. Right now, we want nothing more than to become parents. We have discussed it, and I am going to pursue the surgery. Which means there is a long hard road ahead, and I'm just starting out, this may or may not happen for me. We have decided it would best to try and if it gave us a chance at pregnancy, then we would wait a year and a half before actively trying again. We also discussed by the age of 30, if we are unable to get pregnant, that we may look into adoption.

While I'm scared with all the challenges we face and I may face regarding weight loss surgery and health wise. I also know that something rewarding could be waiting for me.

I have such a heavy heart right now, but I know in time things are a part of a bigger plan. I'm just waiting to discovery where my place is in this and to get started.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

J.R.'s Birthday

We were able to go out for J.R.'s Birthday. I talked him into to deciding to go somewhere we wouldn't normally go (mainly because we ALWAYS go to the same restaurants and it was his birthday, lets do something special!) so we went to Cinzetti's (if you aren't from KC, it's an italian buffet type). He enjoyed it, but I was rather disappointed with a few things. I am wondering if my tastebuds just aren't as good as they used to be. I told J.R. last night that I always try some of the desserts knowing that they weren't very good the last time, I guess just hoping it changes! lol. We were going to go see a movie, but the one he wanted to see didn't start til real late and he had to be up early this morning.

We had a really good talk on the way home. We came up with a plan for the next two years regarding a few specific things. I will divulge into that later. It made me really confident about life and about our marriage.

I don't really have too many plans for today, other than cleaning house. It needs it, and we are having company on Wednesday after my staff meeting. My best friend from up home is coming down with her daughter (she's about 9 months old) for a dr's appt and I invited them (and her boyfriend and his friend) over for supper. We are planning on grilling.

Thursday I am hoping to go take a look at a vehicle that I really want to buy, and hoping I am able to. We will see.

I work Thursday Night, but it should be a pretty easy night as only one patient. Then the next two days we have the annual KASP meeting for sleep technicians. (It's like a seminar thing, where people gather to "learn" more and catch up on continuing education, it'll be nice to see some faces from old employment sites that I haven't seen in awhile)

Sunday we are planning on staying at Argosy Casino's hotel. I hope to get a massage or pedicure out of this deal! lol. We got a certificate for a free room for J.R.'s birthday, sounds good to me!!

Other than that, no real big plans. I need to find my motivation so I can get this place cleaned up! Thank goodness it's not even 10 am yet.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Life has so many ups and downs anymore. I think it is finally starting to fall into place for us. We are really working on a lot of different things, and life seems to be getting a little calmer. We received news of a fantastic opportunity housing wise. We were in contract to purchase a home as of a year ago. The house had a lot of potential, but we didn't know that it had a lot of problems (or how deep the problems went). Unfortunately, the house was to be condemned by the city. (Yeah, I don't even know where to start) The living room wall had moisture in the walls (presumably from the a/c unit) in which it started to mold and cave in. We found several openings, so I think it was much deeper than just the a/c unit. The floor in the bathroom caved in, causing the toilet and tub to sink. (Yes, how awesome right) We had problems with plumbing and pipes which were fixed (supposedly) under our contract with a company. The company also ripped out walls from bathroom to guest room and did nothing to put them in order. (Which we were told they would) We have since gotten out of the contract and had the city and an attorney involved. J.R.'s grandmother and uncle shared a house not too far from where we were living. His Uncle suffered many strokes and his grandmother had alzheimer's. Both were moved to a nursing home. The house was offered to us for free for now, (minus paying utilities/taxes/insurance) and in 4-5 years we would be allowed to purchase it. We love this house and the yard! It has a huge fenced in yard that the dogs absolutely love! This was a great opportunity for us to save us and purchase a house. That being said, We have so many projects that we are ready to tackle. The biggest fun has been decided to redo the kitchen. I have started a life binder. Many of the ladies that I chat/post with on the nest, have organizational binders. I have created my own, with awesome printables from other sites. The more we dealve into the binder, I will add sites and give credit to where I got all the items from. J.R. has been at his job now for 90 days and gets insurance this week, woohoo! I have PASSED my registry test, so I'm officially registered and have lovely letters behind my name at work :) That's about the exciting stuff that's going on in our worlds. I will start posting more with our projects and stuff going on, I hope. Happy Birthday today to JR!!!